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A certain bride astounded the congregation on her wedding day, with her courage and bluntness. She publicly declared during the exchange of marital consent that she was not prepared to continue in the relationship if things get worse or should they become poorer than what they are suffering presently! Naturally, of course, people thought she was either joking or out of her senses until she stood her ground thereby throwing the entire congregation into disarray.
Dear reader, while this was not the best way for the lady to express her reservation, it at least becomes evident that some people do shun the marital state and family life for various reasons. “The mother of my child” is only a coinage that brings to awareness, one of the consequences of evading the responsibility of making a home. I am not by this phrase ruling out the existence of its opposite, “the father of my child”.Unfortunate Naked Reality
It is almost a common experience that most fathers identify with obedient and successful children with a likely tendency to disparage disobedient ones as resembling their mothers. No wonder the book of Proverbs remarks that a good child is a father’s pride while a worthless child remains a source of grief to the mother (cf: 23:24; 29:15). In moments of public scandal, unprecedented frustrations and breathtaking disappointments arising from a child’s failure, one is likely to hear the man of the house calling his wife to “go and see what your child has done!” In certain Nigerian cultures or homes you hear some women, wives or mothers, being referred to as Nne Nkechi or Eka Essien (i.e. Nkechi’s Mother or Essien’s Mother respectively).
While there is nothing objectively wrong in these ways of branding mothers, they could at times convey the reality of physical and emotional distance cum seperatedness which is evident in most broken homes or dysfunctional families, especially when they are disinterestingly used by the so-called husbands on their supposed wives. In most cases, “the mother of my child” smacks of a euphemistic or a technically fashionable way of referring to a mother (or mothers) of a man’s extramarital children or far away mistresses. It is to these latter senses of the phrase that this reflection is directed, with the aim of x-raying possible causes and the pastoral challenges it poses to true familihood among our people, especially Christians.

In Praise of the Ideal Family
The family is a social unit founded on marriage. Marriage is a journey to greater self discovery; it is meant to transform men and women from the state of falling in love to the state of choosing to love. By its unique nature, “the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the procreation and education of offspring … and the good of the spouses and require unbroken unity between them (Gaudium et spes, 7 December, 1965). In other words, to build a solid home, the marital covenant requires mutual cooperation, sacrifice, fidelity and commitment to the welfare of its members. This is why Linus Umoren in his article, Handling Extramarital Affairs in Christian Marriage, states that “the joys of celebrating a Christian marriage derives from the will to see the marriage succeed … for the [sake of the] children, security needs, emotional needs, emotional and marital wellbeing (Shalom, vol. xx, no.1, 2008). For our purpose, a real family is a place where people extol the true accommodation, bondedness and friendship; a home where members accept one another with an unconditional positive acceptance.

Unwilling to Pay the Price
Despite the above and other ideals of marriage, daily experiences increasingly demonstrate that not all legible candidates for the marital contract are prepared to face its difficult but possible demands for the establishment of stable homes. And even when most brave it, other unforeseen and unwelcome circumstances do compel couples to part ways—without corresponding decisions to relinquish their conjugal rights. Consequently, some adults, divorcees or separated partners continue to savour the pleasures of the marital state without a corresponding readiness to accept the obligations of family life. At most, some (more men than women) consider it fashionable and cheaper to beget children through such outside-the-home relationships thereby giving rooms for “the mother of my child” episodes.

Behind the Frivolities of Hit-and-Run
Again, disposalism which is at the core of our jet age and modern society so influences human behaviours and attitudes in enormous ways that even true family life is affected. Of course, a life of lasting commitment like marriage is considered to be limiting people’s freedom. This danger is also felt in the religious spheres in the form of denominational instability. Many no longer dim it fit to belong to particular churches; they prefer free-style worship or the so-called non denominational fellowships. At the basis of this utilitarian disposalism also lies the rejection of authority and the principle of “as long as I get what I want from this or that undertaking!” In other words, it has to do with partnership without fidelity and commitment; while anything that demands too much commitment or does not yield immediate gratification is not worth the effort. That is why, for example, some men (which I prefer to call itinerant fathers) evade the responsibilities and apparent difficulties of family life by ‘depositing’ children wherever the wind of unbridle lust and condition of word blows them.

When You can Eat your Bread and Have it Back
Just as people marry for various reasons (manifest and incubated), others take to unchaste single states for apparent motives: Some are afraid of being cheated by unfaithful or hyperactive partners. Because of the notion of “once beaten, twice shy” many who have experienced heartbreaks in previous relationships find it hard to overcome the hurts or forgive past injurious circumstances; others especially some women feel that family life will interfere with their career. In the Southern part of the country, I know of a tribe where, in the past, women would prefer what I will describe as the freelance system: it is a practice where a woman chooses to bear children for different men for several reasons. The popular economic reason followed a pattern like: “if it is not well with the father of my first son, it will be okay with the father of my last daughter.” So by the time such women went about gathering from the fathers of her children, she would have had a fill of her treasures!

An Open Secret
Carried by the currents of disposalist culture and blown by the wind of change, some adults do not know what marital bondedness is all about just as many a children in today’s world do not experience the joys, warmth and security of truly functional families. On the contrary, the culture of my-child’s-mother is far from doing the society any good. Most children begotten out of wedlock or outside truly functional families are denied certain vital needs like parental warmth and care. Sometimes they are left to the guardianship of old grandmothers with possible neglects and abuses. More often than not, such children have interrupted growth processes that leave them wounded: as a norm, they have their childhood training from their mothers’ side and, if lucky, are later transferred to their fathers’ house to struggle for accommodation and possible inheritance. And where they run out of luck, these children are exposed to street life or become real candidates for child’s labour and trafficking, house mates, armed robbery, and prostitution among others.

A Lift from the Ecclesiastical Ideal
It is clear that the family model, chosen by the African church respects and accommodates other valid models. Yet it is paradoxical to realize that although kinship and familihood is at the core of the African society, these values are being eroded by lust, greed, incessant quest for convenience, irresponsible pleasures and evil the tenets of modernity. Besides its Christological character (i.e., Christ choosing to be born into a human family) the model of “The church as a family,” also highlights the unity in diversity which is at the core of and enriches the church. It conjures up the idea that the diverse members of the church are to complement each other (cf. J. Ruwaichi, “The Newness and Pastoral Implications of the Church as a Family”, New Strategies for a New Evangelization in Africa, 2002, p.25). As members of the one family of Christ, Christians are supposed to be effectively united by the same noble qualities and aspirations.
It is, therefore, my humble suggestion that, since the family model has so far fostered the understanding and expression of the ideal image of our church, let all Christians and, in fact, every man and woman of good will imbibe a sense of decency and true familihood. It is an indispensable condition for building true homes where, our children and youths who are the leaders of tomorrow could be nurtured with love and charity.
By Samuel Umanah