COPING WITH CHILDLESSNESS

One biggest challenge to the Catholic Church and to some other Christian denominations today is marriage and family. The question: “will marriage and family survive?” is in the mind of many people. Separation, divorce, remarriage,and marriages of low quality abound, while happy marriages are seldom seen.
Among a wide variety of factors, childlessness has contributed enormously to this pressure experienced today in the institution of marriage. According to Oxford Advanced Learners Dictionary, 6th edition, to be childless simply means having no children. What then could make one childless?
Causes of Childlessness
Gaudium et Spes makes it clear that “couples marry to have children” (no.50, para.1). Unfortunately, we see many today who are married and still remain without children. The central question becomes ‘to whom or to what, should we cast the blame for the cases of childlessness around us?’ No one is to blame really since nature has its own way of doing things. Nevertheless, in backward cultures the woman is blamed exclusively by her spouse, family and even by the society. Modern studies, however, informs us that the problem may be the inability on the part of the man to impregnate his wife. It stands out to reason, therefore, that the issue of childlessness may come from either the woman or the man since it takes both parties to bring about conception.
McSweeney L., quoting some reports, writes that “the trouble lies with the wife in a third of the cases, with the husband in another third and with both parties in the last third” (Love and Life, 2001). Science bears witness also that childlessness could be a resultant effect of impotence, sterility, or infertility as the case may be. Men who are impotent, or their equivalent in women, naturally cannot bear children. Their problem involves serious pathology in the testes, egg sacs, or fallopian tubes respectively. On the other hand, sterility or infertility suggests the possession of the capacity to bear children but unable to do so for some problems. This is what McSweeney refers to as being ‘sub fertile’, which could be as a result of not marking the Peak (Ovulation date), not timing Sperm’s arrival, and/or not assuring the Sperm’s condition needed for conception to take place (Love and Life, 2001).
In the Scripture, childlessness could be consequent upon sin (cf: Lev 20:20-21), or upon man’s injustice (stinginess) to his fellow man (Jer.22:30), or upon God’s plan for the salvation of all (Gen.15:33). Finally, childlessness could come as someone’s fate. This is evident in Luke20:29-32ff, which talks about the woman that married seven brothers yet bearing no child.

The Effects of Childlessness on the Bond of Marriage
Having no children is a great threat to the unity of the marriage bond in many cultures of the world. It is not an exaggeration to say that the fact of being childless overcomes the unity of the marriage bond in favor of divorce, remarriage or polygamy. In many cultures it is believed that marriage has not been blessed by God since no child is born into it (cf: Nwabeke A.I.A, The Seven Sacraments of Christian Life and Worship, 2005, p.201). Hence, the unity of the marriage bond takes second place to the begetting of children. For Fr Burke J., to avoid the above problem the following situations thrived:
1. Early pregnancy is considered a blessing and is encouraged even while the traditional cultural marriage negotiation is underway.
2. Church marriage often takes place with the bride being very obviously pregnant.
3. Church marriage takes place when the couples, who have already married traditionally, have one or more children.
4. Breaking of marriage bond, whether the marriage is traditional, civil or sacramental, by vast majority of childless couples who cannot resist the pressure from family members.
(Christian Marriage; 6th edition)

Medical Solution to Childlessness
At this juncture, the question is whether anything can be done for childless couples? First of all, nothing must be overlooked, from a medical point of view, to ensure that the couples in question do all in their power to have the necessary medical examinations and to follow medical advice. So much can be done today to assist a childless couple. However, the problem often comes from many irresponsible husbands who would send their wives to the doctor and would not go themselves. Many others would go to the doctor for advice and medicine, and afterward refuse buying the drugs or take them. Some spouses deceive their partners by not informing them of a medical problem that might prevent them from performing successful procreative act. Women are often victims of this deceit.

Religious Solution to Childlessness
Childless couples should be conscious of these facts while reflecting on their situation. Know that:
a) 1. Partners make home not the children (cf: Gaudium et Spes: 50, parag.3).
b) 2. God esteems them whether with or without children (cf: Gaudium et Spes: 49 para.1).
c) 3. Our society promotes marriage. We marry and give in marriage but children come from God (cf: Psalm 127:3).
d) 4. Marriage is earth-bound (in death we neither marry nor bear children [Lk.20:34]).
Consequently, a religious solution to the problem of childlessness should be based on a true understanding of childlessness. Life is short with only a few moments of real happiness in it. Moments of happiness are often surrounded with moments of pain and suffering. Suffering for Christians has a way of directing our attention toward the sufferings of Christ (cf: Col. 1:24). We encourage childless couples to unite their predicaments with that of Christ.
Childlessness has a place in God’s plan for some couples. By this, we do not mean that childlessness is caused by God. In Luke 1:6-7, Elizabeth, despite her uprightness, is seen childless, as with Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Hannah. In each case, childlessness occurred so that God’s power would be shown to the humble and despised. God granted fruits of the womb to these women leading them from childlessness to fruitfulness. What a marvelous work of God. Patience and steadfastness in prayer are needed. Childless couples should know that such is possible in their own case. One of the attributes of God is to turn suffering into joy. In Gen.15:2, Abraham was troubled about his childlessness and God changed his state of mind with a covenant child. It is to be noted, however, that Abraham proved his faith in God by believing his covenant promises, which were seemingly unattainable at that time. Our childless couples are to bear in mind that God is aware of their situation. They have to develop solid faith in him. Faith makes us friends of God (Rom.4:3; Gal.4:6) and helps us realize our necessary future in him (cf: Heb.11:11).
Christianity offers a way that does not contradict the married life, which is for the service of God and humanity. This is found more in the Catholic Church where priests, religious and some laypersons, choose to dedicate themselves to prayer and community life, and the spread of the Gospel. These persons do not marry, a sign that marriage is not the only way of life (1 Cor.7:32-35). It is therefore not evil that one is childless for there is more to life than marriage and children.
Above all, suffering, especially in relation to childlessness, should never be rejected. Experience shows that suffering that is really hard to bear opens up areas of our lives that we never thought were there. Childless couples are to realize that suffering is inevitable in life. Personal suffering takes us beyond ourselves and into the kingdom of God when endured out of faith and offered for others. It is on this ground that I would suggest to those who are childless to go for adoption if they must need children. Perhaps, you are childless because God wants you to take care of some abandoned children in the various orphanages. Adoption is a noble thing both in the civil and ecclesiastical realms. Why should we not be comfortable with it? The Catholic Church tries to equate it with consanguinity (blood relationship). Whatever is said about consanguinity in the direct-line is here applied (Code of Canon Law: 1094). The society, also, does not frown at adoption as she accords the adopted children the right of inheritance.

Conclusion
There are so many causes of childlessness. It cannot always be blamed on the couple involved. Childless couples are to place their trust, hope and future in God. They should know that whatever happens, God will see them through at his own time. Let them understand that the meaning of suffering becomes clear only long after it has been accepted and offered to God. And then try to be godly and self-sacrificing. Childlessness gives a couple more time to be God-centered, and God is the giver of all life. Besides, true fruitfulness comes from doing God’s will, not from doing our own will. The ultimate in life is eternal life over which death has no power. In heaven no one will marry or be given in marriage (cf: Lk 20:34). We can cope with childlessness.
By Sunday Okolo