MOVING FROM A HOUSE TO A HOME

The question is no longer how many families are being formed everyday but how many of these families actually become a home? This is because even the worst mad people or imbeciles can make a family but a home is only formed by the sensible, right minded and determined men and women. Every family should be a home to train, nurture, welcome and comfort her members, especially tired members after a day’s tedious battle. So, today there is a clarion call to make our families a home because healthy families (homes) make a healthy nation.What Is A House?

According to Advanced Learner’s Dictionary, a house is a building made for people to live in. But for our use here a house is defined as a damaged, dysfunctional family where her members live in isolation (physical or psychological), incompatible and unconcerned with each other. People live in a house like out- casts. In its extreme form the father keeps late at night and comes back drunk. The mother in the house backs at her husband and children like a wild dog. People living in a house find fulfillment only from outside. No one is concern with the affairs of the other. Though they may sleep under one roof, eat the same food and perhaps from the same dish, they lack communicative and informative powers. Hey are strangers to themselves. Their relationship with one another is very formal. They do not share ideas. They can only pretend to talk to one another in the presence of a visitor. Their laughter is nothing short of a lion laughing at his/her prey. The next they pretend to talk to one another is when any member encounters a misfortune. This concern is a Greek gift because while the lips may say “sorry, such is life, take it easy”, the heart rejoices at the misfortune. Their first enemies are the very members of their family. Hence they find fulfillment only from outside. Their life is managed by the outsiders. Their problems and plans are shared and discussed with outsiders. The Family that is identified as a house could be best described as a battle field. People in a house are better said to be existing but not living since house is devoid of many things that make life worth living. A house can be technically identified as enmeshed family or disengaged family. Enmeshed family, according to Eze, is so rigid and too hard on her members such that corporal punishment, often harsh and cruel is used to make her members to conform to rules and regulations without questioning. Initiatives and personal growth are stifled here since one cannot but conform to the family rules. Disengaged family, on the other hand, is so loose such that everyone is lord of his or her own, very much unconcerned with the affairs of the other. Disengaged family has neither values nor identity to be protected (Cf: Fr. Eze A., Unpublished Lecture Note, Bigard Memorial Seminary, Enugu: 2007/2008).

What Is A Home?
A home is a functional family where love flourishes. People in a home live and share their lives together. People are welcomed as they are but are encouraged and accompanied to grow. Love is the core matter here not rules. One’s rights are respected. There is a mutual understanding, cooperation and communion. They may be poor materially but they are rich in human relationship. In their poverty they lack practically nothing because they share all they have with one another. Their life is a life of sharing. Oh what a blessing. By its nature people live longer in a home than in a house. Their first and best friends (unlike in a house) are the members of their family. It is a family after God’s own heart. According to Pope John Paul II, “Creating the human race in his own image and continually keeping it in being, God inscribed in the humanity of man and woman the vocation and thus the capacity and responsibility, of love and communion” (Vatican II Document, 845).Though at one time or the other there may be quarrel in a home but just as a Latin adage says “amantium irae amoris integratio sunt” –the quarrel of lovers are a renewal of love. A home is a family where the bruised, traumatized, confused, maladjusted and hungry individuals return to heal the wounds, be consoled and comforted after doing battle with life (Ofoegbu, C., Human Development: Family Behaviour, Parenting, Marriage & Counseling: Snaap Press, 2002, 1).

Family Turns into a House
Due to the dynamism of human nature unhealthy situations which can lead to crises are bound to occur. So our families are turned to a house when we fail to manage these crises well or when they are poorly resolved. Dysfunctional communication, lofty expectation, lack of parental love, unrealistic hopes and dreams, illogical and irrational behaviours, inadequate preparation for marriage, social, economic and psychological immaturity, early marriage, life change factors such as loss of job, retirement, illness, unnecessary interference by the in-laws, infidelity and inability to resolve marital problems are some of the factors that can turn a family into a house. Other factors include: individualism, arrogance, over consciousness of power and authority pride, selfishness, drunkenness and scandalous life.

Though situations arise which may plunge a family into a state of being a house, it is not expected to remain in that state. Hence Epitectus says that man is not influenced by things themselves but by his views about things. In effect, our problems are not the negative events of our lives but our interpretations of them.

Family Becomes a Home
Parents are the first factor that determine what a family should be -- a home or a house. Dysfunctional parents beget dysfunctional children and consequently a dysfunctional family. So the first road towards a home is functional parents. Similarly, family awareness is another factor. What is your family root? If you are not comfortable speaking about your family background then there is a problem already. What type of family and parenting are you operating --authoritarian, authoritative, permissive or democratic? What is your family identity and values? These questions are very important as we move from a house to a home because unexamined life is not worth living, says Socrates. Other factors that can help a family to move from a house to a home are: love, solidarity and subsidiarity, communion, trust, discipline, mutual respect, effective communication, positive reinforcement, crisis management ability, recreation and prayer.

Love is the engine that drives a family to a home and the oil that lubricates it there. It is creative and liberating. According to the Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace, “love must inspire, purify and elevate all human relationship” (Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church, No 33). As a vital cell of the society, love should first and foremost take its root in the family through which it will be spread to the society at large. And just as love took Christ to the Cross, it should also take us to the cross for the sake of our family. If we want our family to be a home we must die so that others should live, we must sacrifice for others to have, and we must decrease for others to increase. Since man according to Aristotle is a social being, a family cannot become a home without communion and dialogue. John Mbiti succinctly captures this in his dictum: “I am because we are; and since we are, therefore I am” (African Religious and Philosophy, 109). Moreover effective communication is necessary because lack of communication ferments relationship and breeds suspicion. Effective communication encourages communion and dialogue.

Ingratitude is the worst of all evil and kills effort and initiatives. In a family, efforts no matter how small should be acknowledged. When our little effort is acknowledged we are reinforced to do more. Thus solidarity and subsidiarity are promoted. Crisis management ability is a necessity if we want our family to become a home because life is not bed of roses. If we do not develop such abilities as skills to adjust to unpleasant situations, cognitive restructuring skills, problem solving skills, we will always remain in a house. All work and no play make jack a dull boy. Recreation and leisure are necessary for a home because family that plays together stays together (Ofoegdu 2002, p. 97). Similarly prayer is a sine qua non in our movement towards a home because a family that prays together stays and survives together (ibid). Moreover, family as a domestic church cannot stand its taste without prayer (God).

Effective Parent-Child Relationship: Towards Moving To A Home
Moving from a house to a home is not automatic or a magic. It is a gradual process- a life time project. Hence parents that want to create a home out of their family should start early to catch their children young (Pro. 22:6). Some of these strategies should be employed to this effect: exhibit parental love, be predictable, communicate clearly and distinctively to them, understand the ways your children communicate their problems, catch and praise your child being good. It is dysfunctional if it is only when your children act wrongly that you show yourself a parent. Even when they falter do not overreact. Be patient with them as well as with yourself. Try to set a safe environment, sensible and realistic limits for them. Teach them to solve their own and even other people’s problem.

Conclusion
Moving from a house to a home is not a destiny but a journey- a life time journey. And just as some are moving from a house to a home others are moving from a home to a house. So, great and constant efforts are demanded of us everyday not only to move to a home but to remain in a home. We all should strive to make our families a home where we should have comfort and solace after the tedious battle of the day.